Shit that People Say to Me

If I were to say that 2 thoughts run through my mind all day, you’d probably say, “Duh, sex and food.” And you’d be right. So let me rephrase that…I whisper 2 things to myself all day, everyday:

  1. What the fuck?
  2. That’s what she said

I’d like to dedicate this post to the Big #2…you can bet your sweet ass that the pun was intended. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves how it’s possible to say “that’s what she said” once or twice a week, much less all day long. Well, friends, what follows are quotes over the last few days. Simply append “that’s what she said” after every line and you’ll see what my days are like. Again, none of these are made up…this is actual shit that people say to me

CrossFIt

  • All the way up, all the way down or it doesn’t count
  • If it’s too hard, spread them apart
  • I’m excited about my snatch
  • Just don’t stare at it
  • Exhale before you go down
  • Lower, lower, lower….There it is!
  • That looks like it’s going to hurt
  • Is it supposed to hurt?
  • My ass hurts
  • There’s not enough – tag team it
  • There’s too many – tag team it
  • Wanna tag team it?
  • No rep

Trying to pay the lady for breakfast

  • You went too early…
  • I mean…you went too fast
  • Wow…you don’t hear that too much in the morning, do you?

TSN agent while going through Airport Security

  • Gonna have to pat you down, you’re alarming between your legs

Trying to pay the lady for beverages for a team meeting

  • Put it in the bottom
  • Pull it out

The Office

  • It’s too hot, it’s too big
  • It’s too much – pull it out
  • If you wanna pull out for nickels and dimes, fine
  • While you’re pulling that up, I gotta say I’m impressed
  • All day, all night! That’s what I like!
  • Wow, that’s more than I thought
  • Are you sure you’re doing it right?
  • Here, let me show you what I need
  • Can you finish in 30 minutes? I have somewhere to be
  • Won’t be the first time I didn’t finish
  • You had a good 5 minute end

While messaging with friends

  • I’ll screen shot it for you
  • It feels weird in my mouth
  • Damn

Talk about sensory overload! It’s amazing that I can even function throughout the day. This just goes to show my absolute resolve to fit in with normal society. Actually, it doesn’t work; I can never fit in. Normalcy can suck it.

You’re welcome, Cyberspace

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